Mr Uber and me

My life is an absolute joke. Jokes aside.

Two weeks ago my neighbour and I stayed up all night to make a tombstone and a cross that I was going to use for a demonstration in our textbooks campaign.  Just getting the material to make this stuff was also a story, because you know, it’s a little fucken weird to have to ask someone for some wood that would be best to make a tombstone and a cross.  I soon discovered that it would be even harder to get this tombstone and cross to work the next morning. Let’s be real, which taxi driver is actually going to stop and pick me up with a giant tombstone and cross?

My only option was to call an Uber.

So Uber man shows up at my door step, I tell him I have a few strange items. He laughs and says “No problem”, so I bring out the tombstone, he raises an eyebrow but puts into the boot. A few seconds later I come out of the front door carrying the giant cross. He walks towards me, and his face immediately squishes up,  he lets out a “what-the-fuck-is this” laugh.  and I’m just like, I can explain.Really.

So we get into the car, a minute later I realize I forgot the flag. In mid-conversation I suddenly say “Shit I forgot the flag for the coffin, ” I need to go back. At this point I’m pretty sure I am probably the weirdest customer he has ever had. I don’t care though, because you know #TextbooksMatter.

Finally, I have my life together and Mr Uber and I, are finally on our way to my office. I tell him about the tombstone and the textbooks campaign, soon he is convinced that I am not a psycho serial killer and our conversation becomes easier. A few minutes in, we are both laughing ourselves silly and talking about our experiences at Wits. We then start talking about marriage, and how disturbing it is to us that so many of our peers are getting married, it seems we both agree that all the people that are getting married, have lost their minds and we are the only two sane people left in this world. There happened to be alot of traffic that morning, so the ride was longer than usual. But we hit it off so well, we were just driving, laughing and chatting. Just the four us. Mr Uber, myself, the Tombstone and the cross.

After 40 Minutes we pull up outside our office block and he offers to help me carry the strange items in. He comes as far as the lift and then I thank him and tell him I’ll be alright. We say our goodbyes and he leaves. Meantime, everyone in the lobby is staring at me, and when the lift comes they make sure they are standing far away from me and my strange items.

I can’t really identify the exact moment, but somewhere between walking to the lift with Mr Uber and getting into my office it hit me. I walked into the office and made an announcement.

“I just met the love of my life and I am never going to see him again because he is an Uber driver”

Naturally, I am devastated and feeling particularly sorry for myself. I mean this guy was great,  and we hit it off so well. So while I am pining away, my boss says: You have his number, just call him. She grabs my phone, goes to Uber, flips to “Lost item” and tells me to follow the prompts, call him  and pretend I lost my charger. After five minutes, I pluck up the courage.

Here we go:

*Ring, ring, ring*

Mr Uber: Hello?

Me: Hi, Its Nomatter. The girl with the Tombstone.

Mr U: Oh yes, Hi

me: Uhm, I was just calling to find out if I left my charger in your car?

Mr U: You’re charger? Where would you have left it?

Me: (Completely freaking out because I know there is no charger) Uhm, I think it may have fallen out of my bag maybe?

Mr U: Let me look, I don’t think so though

*Pause as Mr U looks for imaginary charger*

Mr U: No, I don’t see it hey, and you didn’t put your bag in the boot, so it can’t be there.

Me: Oh no.

Mr U: Are you sure you left it in the car?

Me: (Now doubly freaking out because I really don’t know what to say now) I thought so, well maybe you can call me if you find it?

Now I’m like, there is no charger you retard, he is NOT going to call you. Think fast.

Me: Uhm. Im lying.

Mr U: Sorry?

Me: There’s no charger, I just wanted to know if you would like to get a coffee with me sometime?

Mr U: *Hearty laugh* Why not? Let me give you my personal number, and we can talk.

Me: Okay (scribles number down). Oh and don’t worry about the charger, there is no charger.

Mr U: *Laugh* I know. I actually looked for it.

Me: Sorry.  Okay then, bye.

My colleagues who were listening in, completely lose their shit and start celebrating like  we just scored goal. There are high fives all around, and I am pretty happy.

Fast forward two weeks later.

Mr Uber and I have a date. Now I haven’t done this in a while and the only advice that comes to mind is my sister telling me “Do not have more than two glasses of wine”. Pretty useless since we’re just getting coffee, but whatever, I dress up. Literally- I actually wore a dress.  30 Minutes before the date, Mr Uber texts to cancel, but we reschedule for the next day.

So now it’s the next day, but I am little bit over it. I decide I am not dressing up this time (He missed it) . I check in with the bestie and we decide jeans and a Tshirt will do. Up till now, I am absolutely fine, not all nervous or worried. At 10:30am I start to lose my shit, I am chickening out. I am suddenly overcome by this pressing desire to go and buy a plant. My colleague tells me to pull myself towards myself “That is ridiculous, you do not need to by a plant at this very minute, you can do it at 12”

I am still freaking out, and they have to walk me to the coffee shop to make sure I do not escape to go buy a plant. We pull up a picture of him, and they are on the lookout.  20 mins later, he arrives. “He’s here, he’s wearing a shirt”, I am completely spazzing out and they just get up and leave. I call him over.

Here we are, date zone.

We start chatting, he apologises and says he is very tired because he woke up very early. Bla bla bla. More chatting, a few pauses, a little bit of laughing and then a “this was nice, we should do this again sometime,” (from him) we part ways, and that’s that. Date is over and I am feeling neither here nor there, it wasn’t terrible, it was just nice.

Two hours later, I end up at a friend’s house, we debrief about the date, and then drink beer and watch grey’s anatomy (#Because showmax). A little while later, we head out to a friend’s farewell party. We need an Uber.

This is it. This is the part where my life turns into an absolute joke.

So we’re calling for an Uber from a friends phone, we slot in the address and a minute later, B says “Omg, guess who the Uber driver is”

Now Butho is always messing with me, So I’m like, this kid is totally making fun of me.

“Its Matthew” He shows me the profile, and at that very moment Matthew’s headlights fill the driveway.  I scream. I am besides myself with shock. Of all the Uber drivers in this world? Of all the Uber drivers in Parktown? Of all the Ubers in Johannesburg at 8:15 on a friday night. It had to be Matthew. AKA, Mr Uber, AKA My tombstone lover, who I  happened to have been on a date with just a few hours ago.

I am panicking. Do I sit in the back? Should I hide?  Surely I am dark enough to just blend into the night? Do I just speak to him?

B ,is canning himself and smuggly inserts himself in the back seat between Lilly and Sunay. That leaves the front seat.

Mr Uber has not noticed me yet, he is putting stuff in the boot.

I get in the front seat, pull my seatbelt on and as he gets in I look up and shout:  “Surprise”!!  (It seemed appropriate at the time. Dont Judge me)

Mr Uber is suprised.  His face then relaxes and he starts laughing. The awkwardness is hanging in the air like a blanket of awkwiditty. The rest of the crew is happily chatting away in the backseat and I am trying to make non awkward conversation up in the front.

I open my mouth and say: “This one time I dressed up as a street kid, and then some real street kids tried to hang out with me, but I just took my money and got some McDonalds”


Of all the ice breakery things I could have said: So! are you busy tonight? or the weather has changed hey?

I opened my bloody mouth and told him that I once dressed up as a street kid. Why is my life like this?? Who am I??

After he drops us off, instead of doing the sensible and logical thing- rolling over and playing dead,( because I actually did die a million deaths) I whip out my phone and text him : How awkward was that?#FML #OnlyMe #Obviously.(It seemed appropriate at the time. Dont Judge me)

I don’t know who is directing/producing this film that is my life. but I demand a new scriptwriter. This is ridiculous, this only happens in the movies, and in America. I am not a movie star, I am in Africa. and I cant dzeal. Now this poor boy probably thinks I am being a stalker creeper, and if I ever use my Uber and get him again he will probably get a restraining order against me.

Now I can say, I just met the love of my life and I am probably never going to see him again because my life is a series of  jokes-on-you moments, proudly brought to you by what-the-actual-fuck productions.

A hobo stole my chips is back, and as you can see, nothing has changed!



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