Today was a bad day, an awful day.

As I climbed into my bed at 4am today, I realised that heartbreak doesn’t go away. It is forever. I say realisation, but I don’t know if its more an acceptance of something I have been In denial about over the past couple of months.
I still believe that time heals all, I have no buyers remorse in that regard, but I do wish I had not foolishly convinced myself that this hurt would go away. Because here I am, seven months down the line and It is still as real as it was on that day.
A broken heart does not heal, while things get better with time, they are never the same. The hurt gets a little easier to carry with time, it is less overwhelming and consuming, you don’t cry as often and you can even listen to that song without that hollow feeling In the pit of your stomach. But this doesn’t make it okay.
Heartbreak is much like death, a part of you dies. There is this emptiness in your soul, and life that echoes every single time, you wake up in the morning and realise that its just you. It echoes every time you have a bad day or a good day and you want to pick up the phone and call, but you know you cant, because it isn’t your place any more.
When your heart breaks, there is this song that starts to play on the chords of your heart, and there is no pause or mute. It just plays, over and over again. On some days, the song becomes a faint melody in the background, almost so insignificant you would think you have reached the end of it, but one thought, one lingering thought that comes out of nowhere has the potential to suddenly raise the volume. And then it is there, every note, every string, every lyric and it is heavy. Overwhelming and terribly consuming. There isn’t a song that could ever drown it out; these are the lyrics that you will never forget.
If I went to a doctor, I imagine that she would sit me down and say “understand Ms Ndebele, there is no cure, all we can do is treat the symptoms and try to give you the best “quality of heart” that we can”.
Because that’s what it is, you don’t forget, it doesn’t matter how many dance floor’s you find yourself on, it doesn’t matter how many boys hit on you and tell you stupid things like you have a beautiful smile. When all the tequila’s have been downed, and all those boys go home, and the music stops playing. You are reminded that you are still hurting, and that the emptiness will never cease.
Getting over it, is a battle you fight with yourself every day. You want to be over it, you know you should be, but you aren’t and you don’t know why. When the people around you get over it, then there is no one to tell you that it will be okay, at some point you have to stop crying in your friends bed, and although feelings are infinite you can’t eat them forever.
Maybe this is a narrative of acceptance. I need to understand that this is the way things are, I need to accept that we are no more and that he is living a different “us” with someone else. The world is quick to say “get over it, move on, you deserve better” but they don’t carry all the pieces that you do. You will never understand that song, until its plays in your heart.
As you may have guessed, my song is on full blast today. It hasn’t been in a while, but every time I hear it again, I am reminded of how real it is and how it will always reach a crescendo when I least expect it. Its funny, I did all the things that usually make me feel better last night, I painted my nails, I danced, I saw my friends. But I danced with a heavy heart, my nail polish chipped and by 4:15am, my friends were gone. That formula was wrong. The formula that I pinned my hopes on, was wrong. They said that at the end of 4 months I would be fine. They made it sound like I would just forget, like I would wake up on the day of four months and not remember a damn thing. I remember everything.
I wish I knew what to do. A couple of months ago people would ask me, if I was happy with the memories or if I wanted erase them. I was and I am still happy with the memories, how can I not be? The memories are still ours; they will always be our “us”, regardless of how things are. I guess that probably isn’t healthy. You can’t hold onto something that is no longer there for longer than it was actually there. But hearts don’t understand any form of logic, there are no formulas or equations that can make feelings go away. So it doesn’t matter to me what is normal and what it isn’t. My heart won’t get it anyway.
I suppose this is my fault for loving a real person instead of Chris Brown. There was none of this shit when I loved Chris Brown. I could love him as intensely as I wanted too, and never worry that he would leave me. But no, I just had to fall in love with someone, who I couldn’t stay with and unfortunately “That’s what you get when you let your heart win”. You lose, not once but a thousand times over.

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