The light in the bathroom…

It hurts, so much, but I keep telling mysef that this is how we live and learn, it’s not easy but it gets better… Apparently.

I think I’ve done all the running I can do, but I can’t outrun myself.

So here I am. At the end of one race, at the start of another. I guess, I have to learn this lesson now. I’ve dodged this life lesson for 21 years and its pretty clear that I’m not going to get through the rest of this lifetime without it.

I’ll never be able to love or make anyone else happy, unless I love myself and I am happy with myself. It’s easy to get by making other people happy, but when it comes to loving someone so much that they become a part of your existence, it’s important to know what your own existence is about. Otherwise it’s just not going to work.

Right now, I hate myself for not liking myself, I hate this, and occassionally I hate that you love me so much, and that i’ll probably never be able to show you just how much I love you.

It’s hard, and scary as fuck to have to unlearn everything that’s kept you going. It’s scary to have to start all over again, alone.

I don’t really know how this is going to go, but I do know that I love you enough to try and figure myself out and even if I’m not  going to get a chance to be with you on the other side of this, I’ll always love you for making me feel enough, to want to feel more. You are so lovely, you are everything to me, and always will be.

So that’s what I’m going to do, go back to class, and get my shit  together. I’m going to start again, go back to all the roadblocks I thought I dodged, turn the lights on and face the shadows I thought I could just ignore. I’ll make friends with myself and it won’t be so bad.

I am glad you fixed the light in the bathroom, even though the thought catches me off guard sometimes and it makes me cry, I know there will be many more tears. I will cry, eat cake and not want to get out of bed, but I’ve decided that I’ll get up anyway and try to fix the light in my head and heart.

When all this is done, I know, I’ll find myself somewhere, somehow.  I just hope its not too far from you.

All my Love, (and ice creams, chipped nailpolish, Tiara’s and beauty and the beast)

N.

Ps.  Remember-“It’ll never get old, not in my soul, not in my spirit, keep it alive”

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