Balaclava Chronicles…

That’s it. I need a Balaclava.

Today was the worst day of my life. I opened and my eyes and Bam! I found two Zits, just chilling on my face. Literally just nesting there, as if they had just paid rent.

Needless to say, I was and still am mortified. Firstly I woke up in a state  after having some sick psychedelic dream, where I took a chemo pill, offered to me by Parsons from Isidingo( Don’t ask, I don’t know either) and lost patches of my own reflection in the mirror. Then I wake up rush to the mirror, and “Grolly oxygen” Hello. Two screaming zits, staring back at me in the mirror.

I spent most of my morning, concealing, reconcealing, powdering and basically caking my face in foundation in an attempt to hide the monstrosities, and when that failed, I did the next best thing, I hid myself. I left my house looking like I just sold my soul to the illuminati. All black everything.

I have been emotionally scarred today. I just don’t understand why the universe is doing this to me? On top of that, I have a shoot tomorrow afternoon, with NO MAKE UP ARTIST. This is a conspiracy. What does the universe want from me?? I wish I could I have a burning bush moment.

 Why can’t my face wash suddenly catch fire, announcing the arrival of, the Moses of pimples who will cryptically tell me, why I am being punished for heaven sake, I am a good person, granted. I have some punctuality issues, I miss one too many classes, and it seems I’m fast becoming a bit of a recreational druggie, but is that really a reason to punish me and to ridicule me in public. It’s not fair, it really isn’t.

On top of that, I may leave wits with a teaching degree, instead of a journalism one, because my English lecturer seems to believe that I would make a wonderful teacher. This man is not even phased by the fact that I only have one teaching subject. He is completely convinced that there is a way around this. When I told him that I would probably kill somebody’s child he smiled and said “Don’t worry we all have”. Do you realise what this means??? It means that this man is going to pick on me for the rest of the block! “Ah, my little English teacher Minion, what is the answer?”.  I shouldn’t have got out of bed today.

If I wake up tomorrow morning and these Zits have not left my face. Tomorrow is cancelled, and I am being dead serious. There will be no lecture, no shoot, no nothing. I am just going to Kwazimodo in my room, flipping through photographs of the time when I had amazing clear skin…

Why can’t we just devise a timetable? If the universe could just send me the memo in a dream, or a burning face wash moment, I would be more than happy to plan my life around the arrival of zits on my face. Then I can be like, sorry world, I will not be available from the 5th to the 9th as I will be entertaining guests.

Sigh. I actually want to cry… My life is over. I will probably never be seen in public ever again.

I may as well just accept the fact that I have lived my life, I have “eaten my youth”, and now I am destined to be like Gina, that swamp girl from days of our lives. I will have no human interaction, I will forget what clear skin is and when a lovely boy comes along to love me regardless of my zit deformity, I will have to howl, claw at his face and run away, because this is what zit swamp girls do.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go lie on my bed, face up(So I don’t  aggravate my other face(s))and whisper sweet nothings to my guests, might as well be polite… It doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere anytime soon.

I must keep busy; otherwise I’m going to down this face wash. Somebody pray for me.


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