If you have a penis, you might not wanna read this, but if you insist…
This afternoon I was called to an emergency intervention meeting for two of my friends who unfortunately fell into the clutches of scumbag1 known as Mr “I’m going to break up with you after three years because I am a penis” and the oh so slick scumbag 2 Who wraps himself in tinfoil but still manages to come across as a knight in shining armour (who is actually a manipulative, nasty little piece of work)
Naturally being the ever cynical boy hating drama queen that I am, I was not very pleased to find my friend moping in her bed with a giant box of tissues. A box of tissues is a sign of defeat, no matter how heartbroken you are, thou shalt not haveth a box of tissues that will be wasted on any member of the male species… unless that male is Chris Brown or Jsomething, then you are allowed all the tissues in the world!! But. What are the chances of that?
Anyway, in light of these unfortunate events, I have taken it upon myself to create a little list to help my lovely friends get over these scumbags.
- Call Matte.
For those of you who don’t know me personally and therefore do not have my number, you will have to call your own friend. Not just any friend though, you’re looking for your “KillaNigaa friend” This is the girl, who hates all boys and will not hesitate to do some serious physical damage. You know you have the right girl if she answers the phone and says “Where is he, let’s go find him now” or something along those lines.
2.Remove all traces and evidence of his existence.
Delete his number
Delete him off BBM
Block his whatsapp
Remove him as a friend
Whatever it takes.
If you happen to be living with this boy- U have a problem. But don’t let that stop you from ignoring him.
I Know how tempting it is to want to lie in your bed and wallow, throwing yourself a little pity party, sobbing loudly and mumbling But “I love him ”whilst shoving morsels of food into your mouth, but don’t do it, rather grab your girls, dress up and just go out! Even if your dressing up just to go to the garage down the road, do it anyway!
4.Only listen to girl power type songs.
Kelly Clarkson: Since U been gone
Lily Frank: That bitch (Personal favourite)
All American Rejects: Gives you hell!
Seriously, play these songs on the highest volume, sing along and dance, try not to cry while you’re doing it, I promise you’ll feel better
5.Don’t get fat!
I cannot stress this enough. Remember you may have to see this boy walking around and you want him to think, I fucked that up. Not “I am so glad I dumped her” So before u pick up that cupcake just remember skinny always wins!!
6.Stay away from alcohol.
I know you weren’t expecting this, but I’m for real. A broken hearted drunk girl tripping all over herself is not attractive. I know this from personal experience.
(Zoo lake, 2009: I got a little too friendly with a certain bottle and then proceeded to declare my love for a certain boy, as well as warn him from going off with his girlfriend in case they had unprotected sex, and consequently, babies that weren’t mine)
It’s not cool, don’t do it. You may not remember it, but everybody else will.
Of course all of this is easier said than done! And maybe a little blog won’t make it hurt less, but remember boys are not the be all and end all.
Break ups will always leave us “broken”, shaken and scared, but the important thing is to always remember that it WILL get better. I can’t tell you when, but it will. There will come a time where you will laugh at all the silly draft texts that u never sent, and sometimes you’ll think SERIOUSLY HIM??? WHY???
Until that happens though, keep it together ladies. Only allow yourself to mope for one hour every day and then get on with life! Always try to be better and not bitter, if he leaves let him go. They always come back, and when they do, nothing is better than being able to smile, say “I’m over that shit” and walk away!
Oh and most important rule: If you’re angry! Stay angry, because when you stop being angry, it hurts like a bitch.
So to my lovely friends, who inspired this piece, head up high, heels on, do what you love and love yourselves, the way I love you (Which is a lot)
To all the other ladies reading this blog, don’t be fooled! Nigga’s aint shit!