“You believe and you doubt, you’re confused, you’ve got it all figured out, everything that you always dreamed of, could be yours, should be yours, would be yours, if only you knew”-Jordin Sparks
Yesterday, was one of those days, 8th day of the new year, and I had hit Rock bottom, when I thought I was gonna be down here for awhile, someone else knew I wasn’t gonna be. He pulled up outside, in his BMW and took me towards the light. We sat in his Garden at a little spot I am now dubbing the circle of affirmation, and in that circle, I felt like I did, when I was a little girl and my mom would help me get into my birthday dress, I felt as though all the light in the world, came from me, I felt like I was the be all and end all.
I have learnt though, that as we grow up and are pushed out of the nest there are times when we forget that we can fly, we plunge towards the darkness, free falling to an unknown place. The other birds land hard and make the best of it, while the rest of us endure the fall, knowing in the back of our minds that we can stop falling, we just don’t remember how, and if we are lucky, another bird comes (Sometimes in a BMW), catches you in Mid air, swoops underneath you and forces you to spread your wings…
“Matte, I’m going to say this, once and once only. Of all the people I know, you have the greatest personality, you have the strongest character, you are exceptionally intelligent, you have a strong heart, your ambitious, you have integrity and I see you having the brightest future out of all our friends, you are cut from a different cloth, a cloth of amazing, you are quality matte”
Ever since I left High school, I have harbored this fear of being like Tom Buchanan from the Great Gatsby, who is described as”one of those men who reach such an acute limited excellence at twenty-one that everything afterwards savors of anti Climax”. I feared that like Tom, I have had the greatest time of my life, that I did everything that I could do in high school. Starting varsity was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I wasn’t coping for the 1st six months, and all my friends were thriving, finding, their niche and getting along with their lives and I was stuck, I couldn’t go back and I couldn’t go forward. I wasn’t myself. I’ve always been one to hit the ground running, and if I somehow couldn’t stop myself from falling, I would fall freely knowing that in a day or two, I would be up on my feet, running the race again. I guess when Varsity started I thought that I had to start again, that my foundation wasn’t strong enough, well it was.
The world created for myself back then, is right here, dangling in front of my eyes, beckoning me, to come back. I stepped too far out, for too long. I got knocked down hard, and although I’ve tried to get back up, my efforts have been half hearted. It is strange though, cause I know that I am still here, I still have the world at my feet, I am still that A student, I have my friends with me, and more than anything else, I still have my dreams kept safely in my heart.
All I want now, is to get back into my world, to dance to my own song again, to carry my own lantern so that I need not fear any darkness, I want to remember what it really means to bring my own sunshine, no matter the weather. I want to give myself chance to be the girl I always knew I was destined to be, I want to be brave enough to give it all up, when I must and that’s where I’m going to start, giving it all up. I’m Done with Vow and its news team. Yes. I want to be a journalist one day, and this is a start in the right direction,but if its not making me happy, its not where I should be. I’m a good news reader, but being stuck in front of a computer for 8 Hours a week, was never part of the plan. I am a people’s person, if I’m gonna be at Vow, I’m playing it to my strengths.
I am also, giving up this Blog. I said from the get go, I don’t like writing. Sue said to me last night, but you like writing sometimes, yes I do, unfortunately “Sometimes” is not enough to carry us through certain things. When the urge hits, best believe I will write, but I will do it for myself.
I’m going to follow my heart, and do what makes me happy! I will give myself completely to the things that set my soul my free.
So, if you see me zoning around this year, you might want to come and re introduce yourself, so you may finally meet me. Nomatter Ndebele.
If my life was movie, this would be the last scene. I would close my laptop, go to my bedside, grab the picture of my besties, and the directions to Never land (2nd star to the right, and straight on till morning)
pop into my handbag, and walk out of my crummy flat, leaving everything as it is (Cause you know, this is what they do in the movies). Natasha Bedingfileds “Strip me” would play in the background as I walked out into the distance the Credits would roll but just before that, the screen would read “Nomatter Ndebele, went on to become the Host of the 3rd degree, taking over from Deborah Patta. When she isn’t putting the politicians of this world in their place, she can be found on stage, performing alongside the Likes of Israel Makoe, and Margret Avery”
To All those, who have read these Blogs religiously, Thank you, and I really do hope you enjoyed them. If there is anything I want u to take away from this blog, its my two Favorite quotes and the poem Anyway, by mother Theresa.
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me, and if not now, when??”
“I may be lying in the gutter, but I’m still looking at the stars”
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives, be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends, some true enemies, succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you, be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy over night, Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow, do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough, give the best you’ve got anyway.
*You see, in the final analysis, it was never between you and them, it is between you and your Heart.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go quit my Job on the News Team!
*This is not the original end of the Poem, I changed it up, Coz well, its between me and my Heart:)