Lawnage Sunday 3

May the Lord have my Mercy on my soul.

This afternoon, I was minding my when business when I came across a White dude, with THE Driest and cracked heels I have ever seen in my entire life, let us remember that I have been alive for twenty years. I swear. They should have used this man for that Ingram’s advert, remember the one with that white guy crawling around in the dessert coming across moisturizer and suddenly a choir bellows out, hands knees, heels and elbows, Ingram’s protects all the way! because damn!

A lot of people may not want to read about this, but ladies and gentleman this is something I need to Address, for about three years I have had to deal with my best friend shoving her Dry and crispy feet in my face and well, I just cant take it anymore. I cannot stand by and watch as the world slips into a state of Redundant Mbashadness.

I honestly don’t understand, why is it so hard for people to moisturize? Why do u think its attractive to be able to see a Map of Africa on your legs and arms? Can you not feel the ashiness? Hell I bet you can even taste it, But still you wont moisturize. People, we are no longer limited to the likes of Blue seal vaseline now (Although that is what some people need, alongside prayers) we have so many moisturizes, were spoilt for choice, Vaseline creams, dawn, aqueous cream, even ZAMBUK BODY LOTION! There is no excuse.

All my friends now very well that Ashiness doesn’t fly with me, I will name and shame you for having tendencies of dryness and crispness, also I will not leave the house with you unless you are sufficiently moisturized. I can deal with a lot of things in this life, friends sleeping with my crush on my birthday, and even Bad weaves, but dry and crispy skin, I cannot! There is no excuse for people to be walking around looking like they just came out of a Shaka Zulu movie,were dropped off in Limpopo and told to Hike back to joburg.

Let us look at one of the Great men in this world! Julius Malema. He may say the most radical things, and have the worst jokes made against him, but the one thing you can never fault him for is not moisturizing, In every picture and screen shot Julius has perfectly moisturized and immaculate skin, while he campaigns for the poor, and entertains the masses he knows that you don’t fuck with Dry Skin. Dare I Say, Julius has come this far, due to 80% tenders, 10% making friends with the masses and 10% of pure moisturizing!

While I was preaching the good word of moisturizer a poor lost soul said that moisturizing makes people’s skin slippery and if one was ever being saved from falling off a building, it would be better if their dry, for the sake of having a good grip.
Well sweety, being saved by someone who is dry and crispy is not a story to tell! I for one would politely ask whoever is playing superman on that (very unlikely) occasion to just put some cream on, for the sake of my life, I;d find the strength to somehow hold on for another 3 minutes!

What people don’t seem to understand is that ashiness, adds shame! The most popular case, down and out often black men playing dice on a dusty street corner, 80% of the time these people are walking round like they came off the set of Shaka zulu. Now, let us analyze this case. There isn’t a problem that these people are playing dice, that’s acceptable! But the fact that ba mbashile beyond human recognition is a serious issue! Imagine having to be associated with someone like that? “That’s my boyfriend”! “Oh? That dry and crispy one? Shame.”

I’m not judging anyone though, if I was I’d be talking about those crack ass Jezabells who shave off their eyebrows on draw on surprised one’s. And since I’m not saying anything about them, this cannot be considered as judging!
I know a lot of people wont take this seriously, but I do. I Have fears that I may one day marry a man that doesn’t see the importance of moisturizing and I’ll have to wake up every morning for thirty odd years next to a dry and crispy man. I might become rich and famous and forced onto survivor to make money for poor people and have to go thirty days and thirty nights without moisturizer, the economic situation may get so bad that they stop making moisturizer. These are real Fears. And every time I see a hobo or an ashy person, I am reminded how quickly things may change!

So Guys, a little bit of moisturizer will not hurt you, moisturizer is your friend.
Love yourselves, love me, just moisturize!

I will pray for you all! Especially You, sue, Moshe and Zwa. May the Gods of moisturizer be with you, today and forever, in the name of healthy skin.
A moisturizer.


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