Lawnage Sunday II

FML.

Today, during my numerous facebook stalking sessions, probably the 13th, because im just unlucky like that. I stumbled (Meaning deliberately clicked on her Profile) upon One of my primary school mates’ facebook page and I found that she was now in a relationship! And in that facebooking-while-i-should-be-studying moment I realized that there is No hope for me.
Its not that she doesn’t deserve to have a boyfriend or anything, its just that she was never interested in boys, she never wanted a boyfriend, but she has one. A real one! Its facebook official, they have millions of photos together all shinny, bright eyed and happy!… and me? All I have is a long list of dysfunctional/ 3 day/in my head/ was never gonna happen/ almost relationships!

There was Luke, who I met during a night out with my friends,in Rosebank, he was like GORGEOUS. Tall, Blonde, Blue eyes, practically perfect! We spent the night laughing, chatting, flirting and everything else in between, at the end of what seemed like a perfect night and possibly a perfect beginning, Luke asked for my number and I was only to happy to give them to him! 072-477-534. Now what shouldve been the “Great i’ll totally call you” moment, turned into “Okay, so i’m gonna use you to get to you your friend, you dont mind right” Blink, Blink. ((WHAT??)) Yeah sure, I dont mind O_0.
Boy didnt even stick around to get my response! Which should’ve been a slap in the face!

When I finally recovered from that, which took all of two days since he didn’t actually Call, I went back to my High school crush,(Since it was Monday and everything) and of course things had changed, He wasn’t there for one, and when he finally did come back to school he was very offish around me, so in fulfilling my “Crusher” role, I called him, to check if he was okay, he said he was going through some stuff and felt that we should break up Blink Blink ((WHAT??)). I wasn’t even aware that we were dating?!! Research from his friends later informed me that we had been allegedly apparently dating for three days. The boy I had a crush on, and totally wanted to be my boyfriend had asked me out ON A DATE, (a request that also Unknowingly to me doubled as relationship request), and then Dumped me three days later. Are u getting this? The boy who I crazy about, was my boyfriend for a WHOLE THREE DAYS!… and I missed it!! Somehow everybody knew that we were dating except me. My friends had apparently heard the news from him, but didn’t bother to congratulate me or ask how things were going with us, on the bright side tho, that is actually an abyss of darkness, I was the first one to find out that I had been dumped, which meant that I now had to explain to everyone that our three day relationship was over!
At this stage of my life, I thought okay, things wont get any worse. Little did I know!

The next couple of years went by in diary entries about being left out in the cold, taking second place to the pretty Yellow bones, and sometimes, or at least one time being dumped for my friend. All this I could handle though, I soldiered on through life and for my pains the universe granted me a pair of really nice Boobs, which should’ve been an asset, but turned into an invitation of Harassment. During one break, I was minding my own business(as always), making my way to the tuck shop, when Duckboy came up to me and unashamedly placed his disturbingly chubby paw like hands on my Boobs, gave them a squeeze and said “Mmmm Nice dairy’s” Blink Blink ((WHAT??)).

In some twisted power play, the universe once again put me in a situation where my Boobs attracted more attention than I wanted! I met a guy at a friends party and after some liquid encouragement, we ended up attached to each others faces, which was okay, until he got really excited and punctuated our kissing with passionate deep throated cries of “Baby, i’m in heaven, oh yes, im in heaven”, needless to say, to this day, the words im in heaven, in whatever context, be it church, a spa, or a song on the radio always warrant a flinch and a solemn shake of the head.

Then of course there was the Cake relationship.
By some cosmic trickery, A friend and I both had a crush on the same boy. Being the good person that I am and for the sake of the friendship I decided to not say anything about how I felt. For the sake of ruining my life she took pleasure in giving me frequent updates about every conversation and fight they had. One afternoon she told me how she had a brilliant idea- she was going to bake him a cake and write “Will you go out with me? On it. I told her to go right ahead and that I thought it was the most amazing idea i’d ever heard (Knowing very well that it was the DUMBEST Crack ass idea i’d ever heard). I was okay with it though, until I had one to many drinks and discovered that I suddenly wasn’t and subsequently very nearly ruined my friends 18th, when I started cying hysterically in the back of her cousins car. In between choking on my tears I was slurring out incomprehensible sentences along the lines of “She’s gonna bake him cake and then its all over, why? That’s so stupid. I hate her. I hate cake!” The night ended on an even lower note, when I threw up on my best friends Head. Who at the time was standing about 2.5 meters away from me. If projectile vomiting was not disgusting, I could probably add it to my list of party tricks. Needless to say, to this day, Cake and Sue’s head have a very special place in my heart!

Although there have been a a million bad experiences, there have been some good ones! Like the time I was treated to a hot air balloon ride, that took my breath away, as well as the time where I had a poem recited for me at a poetry contest, and the time when… *Frantically flips through diary pages*Yeah that’s about it! TWICE! In my entire life!One. Two. Twice!

Apart from those two times its been an uphill battle, with Boys politely excusing themselves from birthday celebrations that they were never invited too! And Boys who who probably don’t even know what course I’m studying, cornering me in boardrooms, looking me dead in the eye and saying “I like you, I want to date you” I don’t understand? What in the world could I have possibly done to deserve this?

I suppose there was that one time where I made out with my Ex boyfriend (who was till very much in love with me) best friend, but I mean really? Is the universe going to punish me for one alcoholic misdemeanor for eternity, and also, were ALL still friends… like one big happy family! I hope!
Is it not enough that I’ve been dumped on social networks? and Proposed to by taxi drivers? Surely I’ve paid my dues??

I will never understand my Life, I don’t get why the universe doesn’t seem to understand that if there is anyone on this earth that NEEDS a boyfriend, its me! The girl who’s always attacked by Hobo’s, has no upper arm strength (Which means I cant carry heavy things) and doesn’t like animals so I will not be able to die alone with my 27 cats!!!
So come on universe, please send me a boyfriend, I swear I’ll be good to him, I wont make out with his best friend, I’ll answer his calls, reply to his texts, I wont tell him he’s an idiot every chance I get, I will not refuse to be seen with him if he hasn’t moisturized and is giving dry and crispy hobo’s a run for their dryness! I’ll try my best to not get bored with him after two weeks!

.. Pssht who Am I kidding? Boys are so full of shit!! So its fine, *Sheila can have her Boyfriend, she can update her status about him all the time and take smiley, shiney happy photo’s with him, I don’t care! Its fine it really is, i’m not bitter, or jealous.
I’m just going to block her off my Face book! Problem solved!

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5 thoughts on “Lawnage Sunday II

  1. 🙂 thanks, that totally just made my Life. (Okay, maybe it only made my day) but it did make my day a Lot better and make me laugh!

  2. Heavy dose of reality, something that resonates with a lota people and absolutely hilarious. Well written, 2nd edition and already thinking about the 3rd. Your an absolute star.

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